Soon after reading Crucial Conversations I picked up another book by the same authors called Crucial Confrontations. Since then the book has had a second release and is now called Crucial Accountability.
Where Crucial Conversations focused at handling tough conversations as they evolved in everyday situations. Crucial Confrontations detailed an approach to deal with higher stakes dealings where emotions may be running a lot higher.
These notes were captured as I read through the book, it is by no means a substitute, the book itself is a gem with lots of insight.
Work on me first
- Choose What and If
- Ensure you are confronting the right problems
- Ensure facts, stories and emotions are allowing you to see the person as a person rather than a villain
- Choosing what problem to discuss
- Identify and deal with the right problem otherwise it will not go away
- You are dealing with the wrong problem if you are not getting the results that you want
- Use CPR to hit the right target
- Content - Talk about the content, the facts about what just happened
- Pattern - Discuss the pattern that has been happening, focusing on the facts
- Relationship - What effect has this had on the relationship, lack of trust, doubt their competency
- Look at consequences but don't get caught up in Stories
- Look at intent but don't get caught up in Stories
- Choose from the list by considering what you do and don't want for:
- Yourself
- Others
- The relationship
- Don't let your Stories or bias affect you in determining the core problem
- What crucial confrontation to hold and if we should hold it
- What - CPR, what came before the behavior; the intent, what came after the behavior; the consequences. Cut to the heart.
- If - Am I acting out? Am I telling myself I'm helpless? Am I falling to silence? Will the social system support your effort? If others are saying nothing, differentiate yourself.
- Master your stories
- Set the right tone, your first sentence or two will set the mood and climate for the conversation
- See and Hear > Tell a Story > Feel > Act
- We assume people act the way they do because of disposition (personality and character traits)
- We often forget about forces in the environment (the situation)
- The stories we tell, help justify our worst behavior
- Be conscious of falling to silence or violence
- See the other person as a person
- Avoid ugly stories
- Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do that?
- What other sources of influence are acting on this person?
- What’s causing this person to do that?
- Since this person is rational, what is causing them to act irrationally or irresponsibly, what am I missing?
- Become curious, discuss as a scientist not a vigilante
- Six sources of influence
- Self, motivate (Pleasure or Pain)
- Self, enable (Strength or Weakness)
- Others, motivate (Praise or Pleasure)
- Others, enable (Help or Hindrance)
- Things, motivate (Carrot or Stick)
- Things, enable (Bridge or Barrier)
- Crucial Confrontation preparation
- Master my stories
- Tell the rest of the story
- Look at all six sources of influence
- Expand motive to include the force of others
Confront with safety
- Describe the gap
- Start with safety, share your path, end with a question
- When you want to have a crucial confrontation, what not to do, these tricks leave people feeling manipulated, patronized and don't create an environment that makes people want to contribute healthy dialogue:
- Don't play games
- Don't sandwich (compliment, say what you mean, compliment)
- Don't play Entrapment (ask loaded questions and then destroy their response)
- Don't play charades
- Don't drop condescending visual queues (look at your watch, frown when someone is late)
- Don't pass the buck
- Good cop, bad cop - make someone else look like the bad guy
- Don't play read my mind
- Being vague and forcing the person to discover the issue
- Don't play games
- Be honest and respectful
- Start with safety
- When you don't respect them as a person (mutual respect) or don’t care about their goals (mutual purpose) people feel unsafe.
- If you are starting a conversation and you feel the person is going to feel offended or become defensive, start with a preventative contrasting statement
- Contrasting is when you explain what you don't intend with what you do intend
- Establish mutual purpose to get people onto the same page or to establish common ground. Let others know your intentions are pure and that your goal is to solve problems and make things better for both of you.
- Ask for permission for sensitive issues, speak in private, don’t group attack
- Focus on facts
- Stay external - describe facts and events, not stories
- Explain what, not why - don’t draw and share conclusions, they are bad stories
- Gather facts from people - people will share stories with you, grab the facts
- Don't use absolute language
- You said => I thought you said
- It's clear => I was wandering if
- Step out of the content to restore safety, use contrasting
- End with a question to hear the other persons' point of view
- Make it motivating
- People are motivated by the consequences they anticipate
- Change a persons perceived consequences to change their behavior, their motivation
- Don't use sneaky tricks to get motivation
- Charisma - only in the movies
- Power/Force - negative impact on relationships, does not help in the long term, people will get even causing a negative cycle
- Perks - undermine and destroy the satisfaction of doing the job
- Use natural consequences to motivate people
- Explore all natural consequences, find the one the person cares about
- Link to existing values (find stuff they care about and highlight the natural consequence related to it)
- Place the focus on long term benefits
- Introduce the hidden victims (highlight the negative impacts of their actions)
- Make the invisible consequence visible while maintaining dialogue
- Watch for the line between dialogue and threats
- Explore all natural consequences, find the one the person cares about
- If people are not receptive, check safety, step out and use contrasting, remind them of the your mutual purpose
- Stop once you reach critical mass
- When you have to, consider discipline:
- When natural consequences constantly fail, consider imposing consequences of your own
- Know the mechanics and correct procedures
- Partner with people with authority
- Be appropriately somber
- Explain the next step
- Be consistent
- Don't back off under pressure
- When natural consequences constantly fail, consider imposing consequences of your own
- When all else fails, discuss a work around - less responsibility, lower role
- Ensure action items are made when the discussion ends
- Make it easy
- Ensure the person is able to do the job before motivating them
- You are a facilitator, enabler and supporter
- Tools for making it easy
- Jointly explore barriers (avoid quick advice)
- Jointly resolve issues
- Involvement both enables and motivates
- Involve others, empower them, it will provide motivation to overcome problems
- Ask for ideas and input, be genuine
- Brainstorm ability barriers
- Self
- Others
- Things
- Once you have identified barriers ask:
- Will this person keep facing the problem?
- Will others have similar problems?
- Have we identified all the root causes?
- Provide advice only when necessary, allow the discussion, learning's and discoveries happen organically
- Pop the question -
- If you have dealt with motivation, check ability (It sounds like you are willing to do this, but is there anything still standing in your way? Is there anything else we need to deal with that will stop you from getting this done by Tuesday 9am?)
- If you have dealt with ability, check motivation (If I get those documents up to you by 1 pm, are you willing to get that done for me by 5pm?)
- Make it safe for others to search
- Ask for permission - Check to see it is OK to catch up and chat about the issue.
- Ask for feedback - Phrase it in a way where you are looking to see the solution to the issue from your perspective, what can I do to enable you to do what is needed.
- Prime the pump - Offer some suggestions if they are not willing to add dialogue.
- Stay focused and flexible
- Be flexible
- Note new problems
- Select the right problem (original, new or both)
- Resolve the new problem and return to the original issue
- Be focused
- Deal with problems one at a time
- Consciously deal with new issues, don’t allow them to be forced onto you
- Typical reasons for focus to change:
- People feel unsafe
- People violate trust
- If a pressing issue pops up, bookmark your place in the conversation and step out to discuss the new issue “I’d like to talk about what just happened”
- When someone becomes overly emotional, use AMPP to help them to explore their paths, once the issues are brought to the surface, take action and resolve them together, dissipate the issue so you can resolve the problem
- Ask - Express interest in other persons views
- Mirror - Acknowledge the emotions people are feeling
- Paraphrase - Once people start sharing, restate what they said in your own words to show that you understand
- Prime - If others are not sharing, take a guess and share what you think they may be feeling
- Be flexible
Move to action
- Agree on a plan and follow up
- Who - ensure someones name is attached to a task
- Does what - define clearly and simply what is to be done and expected, use contrasting to ensure clarity
- By when - ensure a date is agreed on
- Follow up - decide when and how you will follow up based on
- Risk - how crucial or risky is it
- Trust - track record?
- Competence - how experienced is this person
